Going through cancer treatment while facing daily uncertainties is undeniably hard. Every cancer patient has a unique experience when it comes to facing this level of adversity. It may be harder for some to find the motivation to keep pushing. Some of us have higher success rates with treatments, while others don't have an end date. Some are diagnosed with incurable cancers, and the only option is maintenance treatment to keep it at bay. Others face a terminal diagnosis, shifting perceptions of how to make the most of the time left. Every single one of us is wired differently, and only you know your experiences more than others.
I faced death...cancer TWICE. My biggest struggle was when I found out about my relapse. In December 2020, I experienced the biggest plot twist of that year: my cancer came back. I didn't have time to process everything because the events from relapse leading up to remission happened quickly. I had no time to think or decide what to do next. I had an aggressive cancer, and my doctors quickly arranged my second line of treatment. As soon as I received the devastating news, I was hospitalized the very next day for rounds of intensive treatments followed by an autologous stem cell transplant.
At the beginning of my treatment journey, I felt hopeful and motivated because I was informed about the promising success rates. But when my body stopped responding to the first line of treatment, I felt betrayed. It was hard to watch some cancer friends go into remission while facing the news that my cancer had returned. I experienced discouragement, fear, and bitterness. It was also unhelpful when I was fed clichés to think positively or that everything happens for a reason. In fact, I felt so much pressure that I closed myself off from the world and deactivated social media platforms.
As someone who practices my faith with God, I also felt hurt and angry. I felt like he left me all alone. I expressed my frustrations and concerns with my closest friends, feeling like I was crossing a desert. In my world, time stopped while everyone seemed to move quickly. I was not in the right headspace to pray because it hurt too much to feel abandoned by God. As I told them this, things started to shift for me.
One of my friends responded with love:
"It's okay for you to be angry. You don't have to pray if you don't want to. Let us pray for you instead. We got you."
That stuck with me. It made me realize how loved I was. They met me with compassion and support. "Compassion" originated from the Latin word "Compati," which means to suffer with. It meant sitting with uncomfortable feelings and difficult times without attempting to fix anything. Love is about showing compassion. Love is the essence, the fuel, the gasoline that will keep me going despite the curveballs that life may throw at you. There are different levels of love that you experience from friends, family, your partner and yourself.
"Love is the essence, the fuel, the gasoline that will keep me going despite the curveballs that life may throw at you."
During my treatment, I felt less alone because they were still by my side even though the situation was beyond my control. Some of them prayed for me daily. Some showed up, sent me gifts, letters, and photos. Some checked in on me, asking how I was managing while validating my struggles without offering unsolicited advice. They served as reminders that I am so loved and have new memories to create with them. It motivated me to continue, hoping I had more time to explore the world and engage in meaningful connections.
You also experience love through self-love. I used to cringe whenever I heard people telling me "you should love yourself" because of the misunderstanding I held. I have come to understand that it simply boils down to how you choose to show up for yourself every day. They don't necessarily have to be grand and cheesy gestures. Things like you have hopes and dreams for yourself. You are aware of what makes you feel good and what doesn't. You meet your basic needs such as resting when you are tired and eating when you are hungry. Those are all indicators that you look out for yourself. It is just a matter of bringing awareness to the ways you give to yourself. For me, it's about engaging in things I'm passionate about, even if it isn't at the same capacity as before cancer. For instance, I used to travel and meet up with my closest friends to maintain and strengthen my connections. Due to my immunocompromised system, I FaceTimed them instead.
It's about finding ways to adapt to integrate these values into your new routine.
I also experience empowerment when dressing up, wearing wigs, and putting on makeup to look my best. This actually goes beyond skin deep. Going through treatment dramatically changes your appearance and sure, people will tell you that beauty is from within. But what no one talks about is that it is a reminder of the loss and choices robbed away from you. I always loved my hair, and losing it was one of the most traumatic experiences ever. It was one of the ways I chose to define myself, and losing it felt like I was giving up a part of myself. By wearing wigs and dressing up, I feel like I am taking back some control. I am doing what I can to feel like myself. By feeling like myself, I also feel good. By feeling good, I feel like I am showing cancer who's boss. And in that sense, it subconsciously motivated me to keep going and not give up.
Love, faith, and God kept me going. My experience has taught me that even though situations may be unfavorable, the presence of love is what makes life worth living. I wanted more time to explore the beauty the world has to offer, more time with my loved ones, more time to enjoy and be present. If you don't feel the love in the moment, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Love is like stars. You don't always see or feel it, but it is always there.
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