Survivor's guilt is something that is often talked about by cancer survivors. At first, I struggled to resonate with this because of my misconceptions associated with survivor's guilt. I assumed that it was strictly trading places with another cancer patient who passed away. I thought that the guilt you carry is so heavy to the point that you don't have the will to live that perhaps it might be easier to just disappear from the world. But survivor's guilt quite complex and comes with multiple layers. For one, it is a manifestation of PTSD.
It turns out that I have been internalizing survivor's guilt for quite some time without actually being aware of it. I have been struggling with conflicting emotions and outlooks post cancer but simply couldn't explain what these feelings meant. I couldn't label them.
It's the feeling of guilt when you see other cancer patients suffering and dealing with more intense chemo side effects compared to yours. It is the feeling of helplessness when you encounter someone struggling with treatment options. It is the feeling of sadness when you hear someone dealing with a relapse for the first, second, third, fourth or EVEN the fifth time. It is the feeling of sorrow when you are in remission while watching others in agonizing pain, knowing that there is nothing you could do to influence the outcome of their situation. It is the feeling of grief when you come to find that one of your cancer friends passed away...especially when they underwent the same treatments and share the same diagnosis as you did. It is the feeling of guilt for burdening your friends and family with your struggles and problems- especially when people around are thriving, progressing and transitioning in life.
You feel like a ghost forever frozen in time while the rest of the world is moving on without you. It feels like the world is rubbing it in your face to get your shit together. You might feel as though the world is out to get you that it is so much easier to disappear and self-isolate without dealing with being perceived by others. You feel forever stuck in this loop of inaction for not making the most out of your new life while feeling guilty that others would do anything to be in your shoes. You also feel bad for not feeling grateful that you are alive.
After having conversations with my therapist and cancer friends, it turns out they all point to survivor's guilt. In a way, I gained reassurance knowing where this was all coming from. This was part of the survivorship and healing process. If anything, I have come to the realisation that healing isn't as glamorous as it is made up to me. It is zig-zag motion and definitely not linear. So to all the cancer survivors out there- know that you are not alone.
I also learnt that you are entitled to experience all types of emotions on both ends of the spectrum. You can feel happy for your friends who are getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, having kids, getting promoted and travelling; but you can also feel sad that the only thing you have been doing for the last couple months or years is trying not to die. These feelings don't have to be mutually exclusive. We are not built to experience only positive emotions or negative emotions. It isn't so black and white. There is also nothing wrong with feeling angry, sad, upset and resentful. The society isn't good at dealing with these emotions because they are so taxing. So these emotions are overlooked and categorized as socially unacceptable.
While I understand the danger of dwelling in them, sometimes anger or sadness could be productive emotions. Anger is what got me through treatment. Anger is what got me through workouts. Anger is what motivated me to buy wigs and dress up during treatment. Sadness is what motivated me to be very vocal about my experience on various online platforms. Sadness is what has driven me to dedicate the rest of my life in raising awareness about cancer, especially within the young adult cancer community. I believe that God gave me a voice to represent the unheard. I choose to share my story in hopes of letting others know that they are not alone. I choose to share my story to encourage others to share theirs too. More stories lead to more awareness. More awareness leads to knowledge. Knowledge is power. Power leads to change. With change, people will have a better quality of life and more time to enjoy with their loved ones.
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