It is almost December and we are a month away from turning 2022. And no, it is not a typo that I wrote "2020" in this headline. For me 2021 is no different than 2020. It is simply a sequel, a continuation and pick- up of where we left off in 2020. We were all affected when COVID flipped our world upside down and we are left to learn how to defeat or perhaps even live with it. While we had our hopes that 2021 would provide us with a clean slate, the pandemic managed to find its way to retaliate again and again. In December 2020, I completed the last round of my first line of treatment. I was practically in remission. At that time, I was super thrilled for my scan to take place to confirm that I can finally close this chapter and move into the year 2021- cancer free. During that month I also moved into a bigger apartment. So I had this expectation that I was going to enter 2021 with a new home, good health and new start with my new job. Little did I know that there was an unfortunate plot twist that came along. And this pivotal moment, hit me like a bus and altered my perceptions on the notion of "new year, new start" or even "new year resolutions."
It didn't feel right for me to celebrate the new year's then because I felt that I didn't have anything to look forward to. Sure, I had alternative treatments to help me reach to complete remission but how was I supposed to trust that my own body will cooperate with these regimens when my body has betrayed me not ONLY from being struck with cancer at first, but also a QUICK RELAPSE right after the treatment? It only amplified my feelings of despair, discouragement and resentment. In a way, 2021 didn't feel like 2021. It was like an extensive trial period and I was definitely not interested in entering this new season if my life consisted of hospital stays and experimentation.
2020 was by far the worst and scariest year of my life. We were all affected by it in some shape or form. While I understand that COVID put our lives on hold, it was the least of my worries. To be honest and even by this day, I still have feelings of resentment whenever people would say in front of my face that "it was a terrible two years."
While the hardship that the pandemic demands from us have taken a toll, the self-isolation and quarantine we all endured is just incomparable with having cancer on top of that. These experiences are nowhere close. This is not to undermine the adversity that COVID has inflicted on the social, personal, professional and economic aspects of our lives; but the level of ordeal we face is just on a different level. Outside, you have the freedom to go out for walks and see life move before your eyes. You can take a walk to the supermarket. You have the luxury to stay at home, skype with your friends and watch Netflix without being in agonizing pain to the point that you cannot eat, sleep, drink water, shower, walk to the bathroom without the support of your loved one, change clothes, sit and lie in a certain position.
With cancer, you have these basic human needs ripped away from you . Your body is subject to trauma and your mental well-being gets chipped off in parallel. You are not confined in the isolation room of a hospital for weeks without feeling the sun and wind on your face while coming face to face with a potential death sentence. So no- it is not the same.
They say that it is a "good time" for me to have cancer because I am not missing out much. There is no such thing as a good time for cancer. There never is. Because of Corona, I have be in the hospital and go through all the operations, procedures and treatments ALONE. Because of Corona, I couldn't hold my parents' hand when I needed them the most. Because of Corona, I was at risk for having my treatments delayed because the hospitals were all swamped by Covid patients. Because of Corona, many of us from the cancer community as well as those with chronic- illnesses have their operations and treatments delayed, which unfortunately can lead to very fatal consequences.
Having cancer during a pandemic required a different mindset. My brain went on auto-pilot and switched to survival mode. My life was razor-focused on getting through each cycle of treatment; going to the hospital with the hope that I catch any viruses while focusing on reaching remission. I didn't have time to process things and even as I am writing this, I am still unsure whether my body and mind are in a state of shock and denial. Sometimes it feels like I am someone else watching from the outside.
And the thing is, it's not just cancer and COVID. 2020 started with my dog, my best friend who I grew up with; who meant the world to me dying in my arms in March. Not long, the pandemic struck the world and most of us were working remote. At that time, the company I was working in just got acquired by another company. The acquisition resulted in a massive lay-off. I was one of the affected and I lost my job the day before my boyfriend (at that time) and I were about to sign an apartment contract in order move in together. So I was left without a job and the future that I envisioned was gradually fading away. Not too long, I got a new job but I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. I was forced to go on leave and start treatment right away. Many cancer patients have the choice to retrieve their eggs to preserve fertility. I didn't even have time to freeze my eggs due to the nature of my aggressive cancer. My choices were taken away from me. Later on I ended my long-term relationship.
It set off a chain reaction, where one occurrence triggered another, influencing every facet of my life.
Treatment was going well and I was in remission. I was ready to celebrate being cancer free during Christmas but then I got the worst news that I never saw coming. My cancer came back. As soon as I knew about the results, I had to be admitted to the hospital the very next day just around Christmas time to start more aggressive treatments. I was filled with rage. I felt like my body has failed me. I felt like I have failed everyone's expectations and prayers. I also felt like a failure for not upholding the strength to fight and maintain a positive outlook. I felt suicidal. I ended up closing myself off from the world by disabling all my social media accounts.
In 2021, my body acted as a battlefield for a war between the doctors and cancer. My mind was not in the present and I feel like I am watching myself from above. The scan back in December scarred me for life. Fast forward to the present, I am thankfully doing much better in remission. It was a long dark tunnel but my recent scans started to prove that my body can slowly earn back my trust. I am feeling great. I feel physically fit. I even started working again. For now, I have been getting quarterly check-ups and I can only pray that my health will remain stable and only go uphill from here.
I choose not to set any new year's resolutions for 2022 because to me, it's just another day. You have no control over what the future may have in store with you. The only thing that no one can ever take away from you is your power to decide on how you choose to deal with uncertaintities. Life becomes so much easier once you let go of everything that is beyond your control.
Comentarios