Let me start off by sharing these pictures. They represent more than just me being a bridesmaid and a wedding guest for my friends' weddings. It marked my first attendance at a bachelorette party, my debut as a bridesmaid, and my return to weddings after missing a total of five due to my treatment. For the first time in a long time, I finally don't feel like I am only the "sick girl". It made me realize that everything I endured was worth it for these glimpses of special moments and quality time with loved ones. My heart was filled with content and bliss.
It's a bittersweet feeling watching my friends exchange their vows to the person that they commit to spending the rest of their lives with. I must confess that I was in tears and started looking at my own life thinking to myself, "WOW....I would LOVE to have someone who loves me with all their heart just as much as I love them back." During that time, I was very content with the life that I have built for myself. I didn't need a man in my life but I WANT to experience the profound joy of sharing life with someone, inspiring each other to grow in love. Navigating the dating world with cancer added another layer of difficulty. I recalled thinking to myself, "If someone is up for the challenge to be my life partner, then DAMNNNN they have my full respect."
Coming of age throughout my late teens and most of my 20s, I struggled a lot with building healthy and long lasting romantic relationships. I was surrounded by friends, family and colleagues who seemed to find "the one" earlier on and I can't help but wonder why I was different. Despite giving my best with my time and efforts, I had a series of unsuccessful relationships with men who did not have my best interests at heart or were just not a fit for me.
Having cancer was a wake up call to force myself to look in the mirror and re-evaluate all the choices I have made, including my love life. Upon reflection, I decided to take a year off to be single...on PURPOSE. This included no dating around. I invested my time and energy learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I was learning how to be compassionate with myself while rediscovering the new me. I reflected on things that mattered to me, how I wanted to speak and treat others as well as myself. I also spent time identifying non-negotiables including green flags and red flags in my lifestyle. I read books about love and relationships. I analysed my relationship history only to find that I never defined what I wanted. I was hyper-focused on being in a relationship for the sake of not being alone and to avoid feelings of inadequacy.
Venturing back into the dating world after cancer proved challenging and uncomfortable at times. I grappled with feelings of self-rejection, fearing I wouldn't be accepted for my authentic self. For a period of time, I experienced numbness and I physically and mentally couldn't let anyone in. My heart was completely closed off, and I thought that trauma like cancer made it more difficult to open my heart to someone again.
One day, I didn't find true love. True love found me. For the first time in my life, I finally experienced genuine, raw and real love . And I wanted to share a few key takeaways and reflections based on my own experiences.
The body never lies. I learned the importance of trusting my intuition, even if it may not make sense from an outsider's perspective. In the past, I found myself reconstructing my narrative for the sake of pursuing things, even though I experienced doubts and uncertainty. My rule of thumb is that if you even feel the slightest uncertainty, then it is not worth pursuing. You would be doing a disservice to yourself and the other person by wasting each other's time. It's better to be alone than to be stuck in a relationship when you feel uncertain. Facing cancer leaves you in a survival state for so long that there is a hypersensitive response to keep yourself safe. This includes achieving psychological safety. True love flourishes when your entire being feels safe. You are no longer in survival mode, and you can be yourself around them without fear of judgment because you know they will accept all parts of you—even the aspects that you perceive as "difficult" to love.
If he wanted to, he would. I never understood the whole "If he wanted to, he would" until now. Obviously, it doesn't mean that you just sit back and let the other person do all the work; it goes both ways. If the love is there, you make time and take risks. No matter how busy he may be, he will find ways to take time out of his day to drop a quick text letting you know that he is thinking of you. It literally takes less than a MINUTE to do that. When there is a will, there is a way...and yes...even if it means flying across the world to see you.
Define what you are looking for. Going through cancer taught me to be more intentional of who I choose to surround myself with; who has access to my energy, time, and space, especially with men. It might even be helpful to write a list as a way to be more intentional in choosing your partner. You might encounter people who will challenge your list, but one thing I've learned is not to settle and waste your time with people who are not aligned and compatible with you. By sticking with the list, I can confirm that it is worth the wait.
Love is understanding. This is one of the definitions that really resonated with me. It is about looking at them with compassion and accepting their past, fears, lights, and shadows while making them feel safe. It is about the desire to know them with love. It is about asking them out of curiosity instead of judgment. This requires letting go of your ego and facing difficult situations with love. Going through cancer puts you in survival mode for so long and the best way to heal is to achieve a visceral feeling of safety, which includes psychological safety. Whether you are already in a relationship or looking for someone, it takes another level of vulnerability to open your heart and let someone into your life. You want to be with someone who you can trust and feel safe with. Being in my current relationship has also allowed me to heal parts of myself. A relationship should add value to your life not subtract it.
There is no right or wrong time to share your cancer diagnosis. One of the dilemmas that many cancer patients face is finding the right time to disclose their diagnosis. It is entirely up to you when you choose to share your story depending on how comfortable you feel with that person. I acknowledge that this situation can be challenging. It involves the fear of their reaction and how they will perceive you. At the end of the day, cancer is just a chapter of your life, not the entire book. Having cancer was not a choice and not a fault of your own. As an oversharer myself, I find it easier to get it out of the way at early stages of dating. People will react differently. When people choose to leave, it's not because you did something wrong. They simply couldn't handle it, and they are not the right match for you. You deserve to be with someone committed to being there for you through difficult times, rather than walking away when things get tough.
I am a hopeless romantic. Always was and always will be. In crafting my narrative of love after cancer, I've discovered that learning to be vulnerable with my fears and shadows is the cornerstone of sustaining a meaningful relationship. It's not about fitting into predefined molds but rather embracing the complexity of our stories, scars, and aspirations with compassion and grace. And in the delicate dance of disclosure, I've learned that the right time to share my diagnosis is when my heart feels ready, trusting that those meant to stay will remain in my life.
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