One of the biggest myths about surviving cancer is that life returns to normal once you're declared cancer-free. While we survivors have a different appreciation for life, the reality is that life after cancer isn't a walk in a park. It's more like a journey of rebirth, emerging as a different person altogether. I'm careful with my choice of words because many outside the cancer community have this idea that it makes you stronger or heroic. But the truth is, trauma comes at a HUGE COST. It costed a LOSS of control and loss of choice. Grief is also the things that didn't happen and could've happened if it weren't for cancer.
Contrary to society's portrayal, you don't just bounce back to your old self. During my earlier stages of remission, I found myself navigating uncharted waters. Transitioning from regular doctor visits to occasional check-ups felt like being tossed into icy waters without a life vest. The absence of constant medical attention was unsettling.
Don't get me wrong it is definitely a sigh of relief and reassurance to get clear scan results and not deal with chemo side effects. It is definitely exciting to witness your hair growing back. Despite signs of progress, I find myself dealing with episodes of flashbacks related to my hospital stay. During my longer hospital stays, I saw, smelt and tasted death wherever I went. The infusions, the smell of the saline being injected into my port, the tubes stuck on my body, the cries of anguish from others are some things I can never unsee. Every cough, every itch, every sense of pain triggered me. I couldn't even eat certain foods, watch certain movies, or wear certain clothing after treatment ended. The scars on my body make me sick to my stomach and took me back in time to those agonizing moments. I became hyper-vigilant, constantly Googling symptoms and relapse statistics. I also read many stories and Instagram posts of other cancer patients struggling with treatment, which made me feel terrified for what could've happen to me.
Living in constant survival mode took its toll. Anxiety managed to seep into every aspect of my life. Eventually, I sought help through therapy. It wasn't easy; I battled stigma and uncertainty, but it was a crucial step toward healing. Therapy taught me radical acceptance – acknowledging my fears without judgment or resistance. It's an ongoing journey, but with time, the grip of anxiety loosens. By verbalizing thoughts and naming my feelings, I gain a sense of control over my life. It is a step towards reclaiming my own life after experiencing complete loss of control over losing my hair and how my body reacts and responds to treatment. By gradually regaining some control over my life, I can slowly let go of being in survival mode, with hopes that I can live with more softness and ease. In that sense, the intensity of anxiety decreases.
One of the most important things I have learned is engaging and focusing on things I can control. In particular, every choice, action, and decision I take will be based on the values that I have aligned with myself. These values provide me with a solid foundation for how I want to live, which allows me to be more selective on things that hold significance in my life. It serves as a compass, providing me with a sense of direction. I start by reflecting on what and who truly matters to me.
For me, they are: meaningful connections, love, integrity, health, faith, music, inclusion, and kindness. I then reflect on the necessary steps and actions that I can implement in alignment with every single value that I mentioned. I reflect on the choices I make that help me reconnect to these values, enabling me to reconnect with myself. For instance, by prioritizing health as my core value, I focus on getting 8 hours of sleep, working out 4 times a week, and eating more protein and fruits to promote and sustain my physical health. I also focus on taking care of my mental well-being by going to therapy and practicing the tools I have learned to manage difficult situations. Love has always been a value that holds a special place in my heart. Love is a skill that needs to be consciously practiced. To me, love is curiosity. By being curious, I choose to commit to understanding. This means asking questions with compassion and practicing empathy, without judgment.
Embracing a values-driven life empowers me to reflect and act in alignment with my values rather than give in to my fears. When fear shows up, you tend to do things to get rid of these feelings of discomfort which often pulls you away from the things that are important to you. It's been 2.5 years since I have been declared cancer-free, and I am still working on managing my fears and anxious thoughts. I have made peace with the fact that the anxiety may never fully go away, but I have noticed their voices growing quieter with time. It definitely is a journey of patience and persistence, but I have recently become more hopeful for what the future has in store for me, despite the challenging few years.
Embracing a values-driven life empowers me to reflect and act in alignment with my values rather than give in to my fears.
Life after cancer isn't about returning to normal; it's about embracing a new normal – one where resilience, acceptance, and gratitude guide the way.
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