Faith and religion can be such touchy topics. That is why I wanted to make things very clear from the start that I do not intend to force my beliefs and worldview on others. I am in no position to tell people how to think, feel, live their life and what to believe in. I decided to talk about God because faith has always played an important and personal part of my life, including my cancer journey.
First of all, I do not believe that God "gives" people diseases or allows tragedy to happen to people. Despite the fact that there are biblical verses that touch upon the concept of suffering and joy, I believe that God's role is to provide love and comfort during those times. I once came across this quote, which changed my outlook on my relationship and faith with God:
"Loving Jesus doesn't always CURE suicidal thoughts. Loving Jesus doesn't always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn't always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus doesn't always change anxiety. But that doesn't mean Jesus doesn't offer us companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that."- Jarrid Wilson
We all live for hope, because hope is what keeps us going when we are faced with so much suffering. Faith is an extension of hope that perhaps one day, all of the pain, grief and loss that we have been through will come to an end. The hope that all of this will be redeemed is comforting and this is what motivated me to cling onto faith.
The bible has many verses that can easily be taken out of context and applied into more favourable situations, which can be lost in translation. As Christians, we believe that we have a "biblical worldview" but come to think of it- the worldview that each of us possess is shaped by our subculture's interpretation of Christianity. Perhaps that is why Christianity consists multiple denominations and sub-denominations as a result of the different interpretations, practices and values that each of us hold.
It is hard to make sense out of everything and for me, it is easier to cope with accepting that pain is pain. Maybe there doesn't have to be a biblical interpretation to make sense out of the bad things in your life. We don't always need to make things deeper than they need to be. The only thing that I try to cling to is the unconditional love that I have experienced from God. And I'd like to believe that this will continue to be omnipresent even after leaving this planet.
Fighting against cancer has played with my faith on many levels. I am not gonna lie, there were multiple occasions where my faith was barely existent. At one point, I stopped attending bible studies and gave up on praying because of the resentment and betrayal that I was feeling. It's so easy to quote and read bible verses but applying them in your life, especially when life throws curveballs at you is just on another level.
In spite of the fact that I was on my way to giving up my faith, God managed to sneak in his presence during my time with cancer. I didn't experience anything supernatural but there was definitely a feeling of intimacy and closeness with God. I have shared my encounters below.
God's love for me:
God has sent me different angels as a way to show his love, protection and guidance. These angels come in forms of doctors and nurses who do the best that they can to take good care of me and ensure that my treatment can be as smooth as possible. I am honestly super grateful that God has connected me with the right doctors with their wisdom to perform the appropriate operations, conduct the right procedures as well as administer the right medications for side effects. While I was an inpatient , his love was channeled through therapists and pastors who took their time to check-in on my mental health. I felt the compassion and care come to life. Then there are angels who appear in forms of friends and family. Whether they were check in messages, visits, catch up calls, sharing music, sharing good memories and movies; visits, driving me to the doctor's, cooking meals and grocery shopping, every single one of you have contributed a different part and I find this beautiful. Together, this has made a positive impact in my recovery and healing.
My Stem Cell Transplant Recovery:
The stem cell transplant procedure consists of an extremely high dosage chemo to zap out all your cells and replace them with new stem cells. It destroys the bone marrow to the point that it can no longer produce blood cells, where you are at a deadly risk for infections. That is when the stem cells are given back a day or two after the completion of the high dosage chemo. Your body will start rebuilding a new immune system and making new blood cells. Normally it will take around 10-14 days for that to happen but my blood count started to go up on day 7. Many of the doctors even told me that they haven't seen such a case before and couldn't believe their own eyes. They even had to conduct my blood tests twice just to be sure. They were impressed. I was a walking miracle. I strongly believe that this amazing recovery was due to the prayers from my friends and family. I could see God's healing powers coming to life.
The Power of Prayer
I am seriously filled with awe and gratitude for the amount of prayers I have received on a global scale. I am very aware that I have many friends, family, neighbors and family friends praying for me. In fact some of them even started prayer chains and prayer groups in supporting my entire recovery. Prayers came from all over the world such as Spain, Australia, USA, Germany, Hong Kong, Korea, UK, etc. There is something beautiful about fostering the global community through prayers. In fact, some even told me that they do not pray on a regular basis nor do they practice faith; but decided to make an exception for me.
Now that I am finally in remission, I currently have mixed feelings of joy, relief, anxiety and fear. Apparently I need to be in remission for five years to be considered cured, meaning this isn't really over even though treatment has ended (thank goodness for that). There is just the fear of the unknown haunting in the back of my mind and I need to somehow navigate towards my new kind of normal. I am still praying to have faith that I am already cured although time can only answer that. If you are reading this, please keep me in your prayers. Thanks for reading it this far :)
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