One of the most common side effects that chemo patients go through is hair loss. It is not shared by everyone who goes through treatment but when it does happen, hair loss is one visible way in which cancer can dent our sense of identity and self-esteem.
Every chemo patient deals with hair loss differently. There is no right or wrong way on how you process feelings when it comes to hair loss. Some people view hair loss as the least of their worries and choose to embrace their baldness. But it could also be every girl's nightmare. Because we all have different perceptions about the meaning of hair, our different outlooks should not be forced upon others. There are multiple truths and we might as well just validate all of these feelings.
Hair plays a crucial role in a person's identity. It is an artistic form of self-expression. Losing hair can feel like losing a part of yourself- and this causes one to question the reflection that they are seeing in the mirror. It is a scar and a daily reminder of what cancer took from you. It is a reminder that your choices have been robbed from your life. It is a reminder that you no longer have a sense of control. It is a scar which symbolizes a near to death experience- a legitimate chance that you might not make it out alive. It isn't vain for us to be upset about hair because it isn't just hair. So if any of you are going through that, know you are entitled to feel what you feel.
My oncologist told me that I will start losing my hair approximately 2-3 weeks after my first chemo cycle. Surprisingly, it took place way sooner than anticipated. It started to fall within the first week and a half after my first chemo. My hair went from being long, healthy, straight and thick to dry and brittle. It was so dry to the point that it just tangled up into a huge knot, making it harder to brush without some of the hair falling off. I hated how I looked and honestly never felt more ugly and unattractive in my life. And I am not interested in hearing cliches how "beauty is on the inside" because this isn't going to change my mind. They don't help. I don't want people to dictate how I should be feeling when they haven't gone through it themselves. Yes, you can say that this is a trade-off that I have to make in order to keep living. Either I die with hair or fight to live by sacrificing my looks.
Yes, I am sure people will say that it will grow back, but it won't JUST grow back. It will stay like this throughout treatment and the process of growing your back is equally painful. It takes FOREVER until my hair grows back to its pre-cancer length. Not everyone feels comfortable with trying out short hairstyles. I get that people are trying to be nice about it but unless you have lost your hair TWICE before the age of 30, you won't be able to understand what is like. And I don't expect you to because that would mean that you are sharing the same experience. I do not wish cancer upon anybody.
As my hair continued to fall, I knew what needed to be done. I was dreading it but I couldn't stop the thought of having bald patches. I didn't have the courage to host a shaving party or do it myself. So I scheduled an appointment at the wig shop to get the remaining strands of my hair shaved off. I closed my eyes while they shaved it because I was too afraid to witness it. After it was done and the wig was placed on my head, I then opened my eyes. As a way to downplay this traumatizing and horrific moment, I imagined myself going to the hairdresser's to get a new hairstyle instead of seeing myself bald. I have decided to cope with hair loss with a wig and this made me feel more like myself again. I REFUSED to let chemo rip away my self esteem of what once made me beautiful. I REFUSED to allow cancer to defeat me and bring me down. I am going to wear this wig with pride and practice self-compassion. After all, chemo divas shouldn't be messed with.
*Left Photo: me with my real hair; Right Photo: me on the day I had my head shaved, with my new wig
I am highly aware that some family members or friends like to show their support by shaving their heads but before doing so, please please ask them first. It is a very sensitive and triggering part of the process so our outlooks may differ. Personally speaking, while I can understand how this is a way of showing solidarity, I think there are other practical ways of helping someone going through hair loss. In fact, if you ask me whether you can shave your head to support me, PLEASE don't! I don't want to constantly have visual reminders of what I am going through. People can shave their heads as a way of making cancer patients feel less alone. But what makes their experience different is that they can get on with their lives, avoid getting poked all the time as well as avoid dealing with side effects. It just isn't the same. We still feel so alone because having cancer is more than just being bald. My best advice is to be mindful by asking them how they wish to be supported.
If you ever have any questions, feel free to drop me a message and I would be more than happy to have a chat with you.
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