When I was diagnosed with cancer back in August 2020, I was forced to go on medical leave for around 18 months. Cancer has taken 1.5 years of my life that I can never ever get back. I could've progressed so much within that period. Since working again, my focus has been on re-learning the basics
such as sitting in front of a computer screen for 7 hours straight.
I am very fortunate to be working at a company that offers amazing support when being on sick-leave. During my absence, I still got payment for up to 6 weeks. Afterwards, my health insurance covers 70% of the monthly income for up to 26 weeks. Before I officially returned to work, my employer organised this reintegration progam which can be a duration of up to 6 months. It is essentially a plan that you coordinate with your doctor and manager, where you start off as part time and gradually increase your working hours until it eventually reaches back to full time. My reintegration program took place between November 2021 to February 2022. I officially returned back to work full time in March 2022. If your current workplace offers similar opportunities like this, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! DO NOT rush straight into full time because you will feel extremely overwhelmed with everything. This provides you with the opportunity to have a smooth transition for you to gradually ease back into work.
Now that it has been a year since I returned back to work, I thought it was necessary for me to document my experiences of transitioning back to work. I will also share some of my personal takeaways, which could be helpful for those of you who recently completed treatment and are about to start working again. After doing some reflection, I managed to come up with five takeaways which helped me to get by during work:
1. Listen to your body and be okay with saying no.
Your body has been putting up with countless operations, side effects and toxic substances on an extensive level that it would take a very long time for you to fully recover. This means that you need to navigate towards your new normal. You might restructure your day at work differently. This could come with setting certain boundaries and turning down requests from colleagues. Most of your colleagues might assume that you can bounce back to your old self because many of them haven't dealt with life or death. You are the expert of your own situation and it is totally okay to say no without feeling guilty.
While surviving cancer is a personal and touchy subject, I find it quite helpful to be vocal about my experiences. Again, I am aware that I am in a lucky position to be in a supportive team, where they can make the necessary accommodations when needed. I try to communicate my health situation with my manager while raising awareness in the process. It helped my colleagues gain understanding so that they can respect my boundaries in order for me to protect my health.
2. Experiencing fatigue and anxiety is very normal.
Going through cancer is literally going to change your life forever. The minute you hear the words, "you have cancer," you will never be the same- yes even after you are in remission. Your body has been trying to kill you. You go into survival mode and experience PTSD after this traumatic event. According to Bessel van der Kolk, author of "The Body Keeps Score," the levels of the amygdala and medial prefrontal cortex in PTSD shift radically, making it harder to regulate these intense emotions and impulses. This overwhelming experience causes you to relive the trauma while trying to heal at the same time. Healing is a long process and during that period, your stress hormones will keep on reactivating itself. Your same defensive mechanisms in response to cancer kicks into the present. When you deal with PTSD, you are more easily irritated and have lower tolerance levels. Your senses are heightened. Your anxiety levels are skyrocketing high. You are more aware of every little trigger which may send you down a spiral of panic mode.
It actually took me a long time to realise that my PTSD has showed up in different ways in my life, such as anxiety at work. I have been hypersensitive to feedback. I feel so overwhelmed when getting assigned to the simplest tasks. I struggle to concentrate during meetings. I have difficulty remembering, understanding and processing new information. I make more mistakes than usual. I ask questions which have obvious answers to most of my colleagues. Although I recognise the substantial progress that I have made, I am still until this very day very tired. It will take me over a week to recover from a two day workshop for instance. A weekend spent doing nothing is not enough.
Fortunately, I am privileged to be in a company that promotes remote working. We are given the power to decide how often we come to the office. If your current workplace offers the possibility of remote working, I highly suggest that you speak with your team to make this possible. Many cancer patients end up immunocompromised so this is a reasonable accommodation to prevent you from being vulnerable to secondary health issues.
Please listen to your body. You have invested so much energy into getting where you are right now. Take it one day at a time. I sincerely hope that you can find the right community to thrive and be your most authentic self.
3. Don't compare yourself to others.
Through my experience with cancer, I have come to terms that there is no standard rulebook on how to tackle life. Every single one of us is like a unique chemical compound made up of different elements through our personal experiences, mind and body. That means you are not replaceable. There is only one you existing in this universe at a particular point in time. It wouldn't be fair for us to compare ourselves just because our journeys and our ways of doing things may look a little different from one another.
During the first few months of being back at work, I was constantly worrying that I wasn't keeping up. I felt that I didn't take on enough tasks. I felt that I was not contributing enough. I was scared of letting my colleagues down. Sometimes I wasn't even sure if I am doing things the right way. I was being way too hard on myself. It then got me thinking that I am doing myself injustice for comparing myself to my colleagues, where many of them did not just go through months and years of being poisoned, butchered, burnt and poked alive with hopes of not dying. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy to tolerate this traumatic event, which leaves limited capacity for you to do anything else. Believe me. It is so exhausting. I am here to tell you that it is understandable and absolutely normal for you to feel this way at work.
It is not surprising that your path at work is undeniably going to look a little different than before. You might even re-evaluate and reset your priorities. That is normal. Some of you might even want to switch career paths or work environment.
4. Acknowledge your struggles and celebrate small wins.
Going through cancer changes your perspectives on things that matter to you the most. You might find yourself wondering why you don't have the same drive or ambition as before. You might even wonder why you cannot take things seriously. After all, it is just not comparable from what you have been through. You are re-writing your life, which comes with re-defining what success means to you. Your perception of what success looks like may differ from what you initially had in mind before the trauma. I find it helpful to take a moment to reflect on every single milestone I have achieved since returning to work. For me, it would be the first time I conducted an interview. The first time I participated in a 30 minute meeting without feeling overwhelmed or tired. It could also be the time I transitioned from working 3 hours to 7 hours a day within 4 months. It could also be the first time I went to the office after regaining some trust with my body. It could even be the first time that I met my colleagues in person.
Through my personal experiences, I highly recommend journaling and noting down any progress you have made no matter how small or silly it may seem. The feelings of resentment will definitely remain in the background but I have come to find that there is so much power with radical acceptance. Accepting that life is going to look a bit different now. Accepting that both feelings of gratitude and resentment can co-exist. It is important to make spaces for allowing yourself to grieve as well as recognizing the progress you have made. It is a lot of work and these things don't happen overnight. After being over a year in therapy and at work, I have only recently adapted and adjusted to my new normal. Please be compassionate and patient to yourself. I believe you will find your way.
5. Your worth is not tied to your job
While it is commendable that people find energy and passion in their work, know that you are also more than your job. That is because you do not have the same amount of capacity as you did before cancer, does not make you less worthy as a person. That is because your calendar is not filled with endless meetings does not make you less important as a person in this world.
I do not care how cheesy and cliché this may sound but remember that you are loved and valued. You never know what kind of positive impact you have left for others. It could be the time when you made a funny joke which put a smile on their face. It could be that one particular conversation which has been extremely healing for them. It could even be that time when you just sat and listened to your friends vent, while encouraging them to be vulnerable.
When I was lying in the hospital bed while being hooked up by multiple tubes like some cyborg, I thought a lot about death and mortality. What if I didn't make it? Do I have any regrets in life? When it comes to regrets, work was the last thing on my mind. Never did I regret not sitting in more meetings. Never did thoughts of "I should've climbed the corporate ladder way faster" or "I should've spent more hours dedicated to a project" came to my mind. I made a deal with myself that if I were to make it to remission, I wanted to commit to spending the rest of my life exploring the world and spending time with my loved ones. I wanted to dedicate to living my life by being and not just doing.
I also wanted to acknowledge that not everyone can afford the luxury to be in a position to decide how and what they choose to prioritize with work, family and friends. If you are in a privileged place to have these options with flexible adjustments like time off, sabbatical and part-time opportunities, make the most out of it.
Some final words:
One thing that I have been reflecting on lately, is the sad reality of how the world places high value in tangible accomplishments. We seem to be living in this capitalistic society where our worth is determined by where we work and what we do. Sometimes, it can feel like your best is not enough. Being yourself is not enough. The fearful need for me to prove myself got me stuck in this loop of inaction and productivity guilt longer than I care to admit. If there is one thing I would do differently now, it would be for me to learn how to like myself...and eventually love myself. I don’t buy into the ideology of jumping straight into self-love because it is unrealistic. I hope I can arrive at a place of self-acceptance regardless of my achievements. Being sick is a reminder that my time on earth is limited. Life is too short to live my life on pause while trying to conform to the expectations demanded by our society. I vow to rewrite my life that is more fitting and fulfilling to me instead of depending on others to accept and understand me. Slowly but surely, I am starting to see a glimmer of light and hope. And I intend to keep on pushing and prevent the light from burning out.
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