Going through cancer really puts your entire life on hold. It's like you are being frozen in time while the rest of the world is moving on without you. It is like you have been teleported to another alternate universe. Even though I was in survival mode during treatment, I found myself looking back and comparing my life before cancer and during cancer. Every cancer patient reading this can probably relate to what I am about to write next:
We go through photos of our past life. When I mean past life, I mean life before cancer. It is honestly really hard to look at all those photos, and be reminded of the care-free life that I used to have. Cancer crushed my innocence and it is true what they say that ignorance is bliss. The more life experience I have acquired, the more depressing it gets. I really miss the feeling of being invincible and not having health related issues in the back of my mind. And cancer is STILL one of the first things I think about when I wake up and one of the last things I think about before I go to bed. I am trying so hard not to allow this chapter to define me but it is crazy how this life-altering Disease can show up in the weirdest places of my life.
Anyways, I took myself back in time to browse through photos from my childhood, school and post-graduate life. Some of the best times of my life were during university, especially while I was studying in the UK. I felt like I was at the peak of my life. I met an amazing group of friends who were extremely supportive. We shared so many funny moments and wonderful memories during that year. I had a part time job which I loved. Although I did not consider myself as one of the top students, I would say that I earned decent grades during my studies. I was so happy with my life. I felt that I had it all.
Little did I know that life after uni went downhill. I felt like it was a brutal entry into the harsh and cruel reality of the adult world. Everything from my upbringing and everything that I have been taught didn't seem relevant. I felt like the environment I was in was threatening my values. You see, I was raised to work really hard in order to get the promotion or the dream job that I deserved. Instead, I was confronted by the fact that I have to do extensive networking with people holding prestigious titles in order to survive the corporate world. It didn't matter how much relative work and study experience you had. If you were close with a director or a manager, you have higher chances of becoming successful. I remembered being offered a temporary three month contract job because all the other jobs I wanted were taken. So out of an act of desperation, I took this job even though I felt like I deserved something better. During my temp job, I attempted to "network with different co-workers" so that I can find a permanent job within that company. Despite all my efforts, I failed and had to attempt job search all over again.
I went through 6 months of hell, sent over hundreds of applications, took part in a couple of interviews, gotten back rejections but finally found a job that I was happy with. During this job search process, the numerous job rejections gradually chipped away my self-esteem and self-worth. In particular, the rejection reasons always came down to my personality. I was told that I wasn't genuine. I was told I wasn't authentic. I was even deemed "too ambitious" and "too passionate." I felt the need to change myself and be extra mindful on how I should act.
Looking back, I noticed how I have been projecting these insecurities around my work life and in my relationships. I wasn't sure whether I liked the person who I have become. I felt more sad than before. When I was officially told about my diagnosis, I was filled with lots of resentment and hate. I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this. I ate healthy. I slept enough. I was physically active. I didn't drink or smoke. I thought I was generally a nice person and I thought I did everything right. Initially, I wanted to become recluse after I found out about my diagnosis. I am so glad that I didn't do that.
Opening up to the world about my cancer diagnosis made me feel supported and less alone. If it weren't for social media, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to connect and be reminded of all the lovely people I have in my life. If it weren't for cancer, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to form new friendships within the cancer community. Even after I disappeared from social media for sometime, I thought people would just forget about me and get on with their lives. But despite that, people still made an effort to find me and check in on me. Some of my friends even started a lymphoma fundraiser to show support without me even knowing. Some of them compiled a video message to give me hope about all the things we can do together after cancer. I was reminded that I am loved and cared for. Remember that every one of you is amazing and so loved, even though people may not always have the time to show it. But I want you to know that there is a lot of things that are happening in the background without you being aware of it. There is seriously so much you don't know about the world.
My pre-cancer self was nice, but struggled with her self esteem. She carried her insecurities in her relationships, school and work. Her low self-esteem led her to sabotage opportunities for the fear of rejection. Her people pleasing tendencies led her to accommodate other people's needs over her own due to the fear of burning bridges. She was also afraid to let new people into her life for the fear of them leaving her. She was reluctant to speak up when her own space and values was violated. My post-cancer self is still a work in progress. She is still struggling with low-self esteem but has developed a higher sense of self. She acknowledges that she still has a long way to go in learning how to be kinder and more forgiving to herself. But she is glad that she has already taken the first step in this self-actualization journey. She is more sensitive, more emotional and more vulnerable than ever. She cries more often than before. She has developed a lower tolerance for many things. She is still learning how to honor her softness, limits and her space by setting her own boundaries. My pre-cancer self lived a care-free life, where the depths of worry were exams, grades, job performance and approval of others. My post-cancer self is still trying to navigate towards her new kind of normal. She is currently dealing with a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. Her depths of worry have shifted to staying healthy and alive. Life isn't easier but it doesn't necessarily mean that everything is harder. My post-cancer self is given a second chance at life.
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