I have to admit that the idea of "fighting" or "battling" cancer felt quite empowering at first. Being called a warrior, a hero or an inspiration motivated me to keep on pushing with hopes that I will close this dark chapter for good. The use of military affirmations got me through my first line of treatment until my cancer retaliated. Even though they are meant as an encouragement, I eventually lost all the mental and physical strength to fight. I felt so drained. My soul is just exhausted. And I felt nowhere close to being a bad-ass when I relapsed. It felt more like a betrayal. The trust with my body has been broken. Once that trust is lost, resentment grew and the relationship that I have with my body started to drift apart. Fighting for a body that betrayed you doesn't seem worth it anymore. And that is how my outlook on the battle narrative started to shift.
Cancer isn't a war that needs to be won over. Why does having cancer automatically mean I am brave and strong? Bravery implies a choice and after all- I wasn't really left with any options. Either I complete the treatments or I die. I am not a solider. I did not sign up for this battle.
And how is going through cancer an inspiration? By inspiring people not to die? Don't get me wrong. I know that there are cancer survivors who managed to develop breakthroughs and inspire others in the process but sometimes I can't help but feel that it comes off as patronizing. In a way, I feel minimized that going through something painful and scary is seen as an inspiration. I am doing what many people would've done when they are met with a life or death. You may think that you wouldn't have handled it the way I did. Trust me- when you are in contact with danger, your body and mind automatically gets rewired into survival mode. You have these different outlooks because you are not a cancer patient yourself.
Cancer is being kidnapped from your rights, your freedom, your body and your choices. Your mind is being held captive with haunting thoughts, where you feel trapped by these walls, these borders and this very flesh. Feelings of misunderstanding arises, which often gets accompanied by a sense of isolation.
If cancer had to be like a war, then it isn't a battle between me and cancer. It's a war between the doctors and cancer. My body is the battlefield. The enemy, cancer is trying to defeat my body; whereas the doctors have to come up with military tactics and use all the possible weapons to defend my body, the strip of land, the city that cancer is trying to conquer. They constantly have to think of new strategies whenever the enemy finds its way to retaliate and invade the city.
Then one day, the war ends. My war ended on September 2021. I have been declared cancer-free but when will I ever be free of cancer? I survived the torture but the scars left an imprint on both my body and mind that most people outside of the city will not understand it. I am left to pick up the damages and residuals of a city that has become unrecognizable. The world around me expects me to just get back up – the war is over, it’s time to be “normal” again. But how could I get back to normal? The city has completely changed from the way I knew it for most of my life and the devastating weight of losing the life I once had hit me like a bus. Exhaustion creeps in and I have never felt this exhausted in my life. Afterall, my very own body was trying to kill me for the past two years. This makes it harder to navigate and rebuild this new city, new chapter and new life. No one talks about how daunting and confusing new beginnings can be . The fear, the anxiety, the depression, survivor's guilt, the PTSD kicks in along with the long-term effects that serve as a reminder of everything I have been through. I was left to deal with the fear that the enemy can retaliate and return at any time to defeat my land. What was used to be known as my safe haven no longer feels like home.
Yes, cancer can be seen as going to war- but not in the way that society views it. It isn't necessarily a heroic moment that you see in the hollywood movies. And maybe cancer doesn't have to be about fighting at all. It is about practicing acceptance, showing compassion, slowing down and coping with whatever works best for you.
Comments