Some of you may have read my other post:
"My thoughts on hair loss", which focuses on my initial reaction and thoughts when going through hair loss. I also address how we can best show our support for cancer patients with alopecia. In this post, I will share how I manage and cope with feelings of distress when losing hair.
Everyone has different views and feelings on this. Some people may have come to discover that hair loss is a blessing in disguise. You save a lot of money from buying hair products; you save time to shower which means saving water; you don't have to spend so much time blow drying your hair and you don't have to worry about having a "bad hair day." Some people are able to cope with hair loss much easier than us. But hair loss could also be one of the most traumatizing experience for cancer patients. For me, losing my hair feels like I lost a huge part of my femininity.
Lately, I have been doing a lot self reflection on hair loss. Why is this one of the most painful experiences for me during this cancer journey? Why is it that I grieve over and over again while having multiple mental breakdowns no matter how hard I tried to keep myself together? I started thinking about all the different chemo side effects I have to go through (including hair loss): slight nausea, fever, stomach aches, fatigue, mouth sores, sweating, insomnia, chemo brain, weight loss and loss of appetite. Most of the side effects that I have experienced have been manageable with medication. That's how it was for me but if you ask another cancer patient, they might tell you something different. So I don't want to undermine the struggles of these side effects.
But if you ask me- my coping mechanism was trying to associate these side effects with familiarity so that the experience is less scary. For instance when I experienced stomach aches, I associate them with my period pains or mouth sores to the time when I wore braces. In fact, most of these side effects feel like a massive hangover. Most of the side effects overlap with symptoms that I had before cancer. Hair loss is something completely new and I was bald during the entire chemo treatment. Hair loss is the most visible proof that you have cancer; that you are going through an illness that can potentially end your life. It is something that can easily be noticed by others. The thought of having this constant reminder that you are going through a life threatening disease makes the entire chemo experience more terrifying and traumatizing.
I cope my hair loss by wearing wigs. It is the best way for me to escape from the cancer world. But then there are times when I have to get ready to go out or get ready for bed, meaning I have to take the wig off. So what is my secret of dealing with the hair loss trauma? Live as though you still have hair. I am not gonna lie. I simply avoided seeing myself bald. I am currently writing this blog after being more than halfway done with treatment and...I still have no freakin' clue how I look like bald. Yes I am quite serious about trying to avoid seeing myself bald during the entire chemo treatment. People always wondered whether I would be curious to see myself bald because most of them have never been bald before.
There is a difference between being bald by choice and unwillingly bald due to an illness. I mean, if you really wanna see yourself bald just go ahead and shave your head or use photoshop. I don't see the necessity in seeing myself like this if this is something that I didn't even wanna look like in the first place. My priority is my mental health and seeing myself in this state will only bring more feelings of loss, mourning and sadness. What will I even gain out of this when I look in the mirror? That is why I live as though I still have hair; by wearing my wig, taking it off and putting it on while avoiding any forms of reflections and mirrors.
Hair loss is the most visible proof that you have cancer; that you are going through an illness that can potentially end your life. The thought of having this constant reminder that you are going through a life threatening disease makes the entire chemo experience more terrifying and traumatizing.
Perhaps some of you reading this may find it amusing, hilarious or see me as someone living in denial. I am just doing what I gotta do for myself. Perhaps I just not ready at this moment and maybe my thoughts will evolve in a couple of months. But for now, this has been working well for me. Being a cancer fighter is not about whether you choose to embrace the bald look or not . Being a fighter is about finding the strength to do whatever is necessary to survive mentally and physically. What works for one person may not necessarily work for the other. So hair or no hair, to shave or not to shave, to wig or not to wig, they are all valid ways of coping! Don't feel pressured to conform to how others handle this. No one has the right to judge you.
Being a fighter is about finding the strength to do whatever is necessary to survive through this battle mentally and physically.
Man I cannot wait for my hair to grow back. I cannot wait to transform from a caterpillar to a butterfly; from an ugly duckling to a swan. I miss my hair so much.
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